Friday, September 30, 2011

Finding Myself - Day 4

I feel further from myself more than ever.
Wonder what tomorrow will be?
I dunno who I am anymore.
Just an empty shell moving.

This is the end of my life

Little Lion Man

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Finding Myself - Day 3

Im like a cat in cage.
Locked up and battered and bruised.

What a bittersweet day.
How I wished it could go on longer. 
I see walls around you.
Things would never be the same.

I'm just a waste of your time.
Maybe I'm better off dead.
I'm a prodigal son.
And a shameful prodigy too.

I worry the future.
But I should not.
I've found myself.
Even if it's the wrong self.

It will end tonight.
Even if the demons keep me up all night.
There is desire to fight
But I have nothing to prove

Its time to let go.
And unleash Satan.
Tomorrow will not be me.
And it will never be.

I'll have the time of my life.
Even if I'm dying inside.

So let me go.
I'd rather go it alone.
Just let me go.
I'm never coming home.

Everybody gets.

Story of A Lonely Guy - Blink 182

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Dear God

Finding Myself - Day 2

As usual waking up feeling the same way. Lost and confused. And sleepy, couldn't sleep until 5am. Maybe because I got too hungry. I am always hungry nowadays for some reason.

As there isn't much happenings today I give a lot of thoughts about my life.

I envy some people who have a secured future, or at least know what they wanna do. The only thing that I am certain about my future is death.
I envy some people who are superstars. They perform under grand stages, under spot lights and hundreds and thousands of people goes over to see them. And all their concentration is on them. They would feel so alive that nothing sad can come into their thoughts anymore.
I envy some people who can achieve so much even though they are so young. I've lived so long and yet there is nothing that I achieve that is worth talking about.
I envy some people who have friends. Getting no answer and no reply from an SMS when you wish them is sad.
I envy some people who can walk close to God. I can't.

During dinner time we (Kenny, Shen and I) went to see a performance. Was really an amazing experience. Left us kinda breathless. Get to sing the national anthem after so long. Kinda uplifted when I was there. However just as we left, for some reason, the feeling disappeared.

Met 2 old friends after that. And all talks about jobs and careers and their fun times and stories in Thailand. Not the best topic but, you know, fake a smile.

Went to see Kenny and Shen eat some vegetarian foodstuffs and then I walked back.
I'm home. Hungry. Alone.

I really hope this silence isn't the end.

Mission for Day 3:
Fake a smile - A real man doesn't display sadness even if it hurts.
Live alone - A real man will never have the need for companionship. (Failed, repeated)

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Dear God

Finding Myself - Day 1

Woke up feeling strange. Like as if I'm on air and feeling empty.
Sat up for a few moments not thinking of anything. Then slowly everything starts to sink back in. And with a heavy heart I sink back to bed. Talked to a Shen on MSN as he is very happy with his new job (due to the fact that his new job is just being online the whole day).

And suddenly, an old friend who has disappeared for a very long time called all the way from Australia. The bastards had been avoiding our msges and calls for a year plus and he can just call in and talk as if nothing had ever happen before. And the worst part is that we talked to him like he just called yesterday as well. Guy friends have a really strange relationship. Especially after more than 10 years of friendship.

Had a good talk. And after lunch I did the weirdest thing ever.

I exercised. No. Not those Wing Chun forms or stuffs like that. I did some serious sit-ups and push ups.

Feeling a little better I bathe and spend some time practicing my smiling skills in front of the mirror. Now the real challenge begin.

First way to look happy is to sing in the car even when you're stuck in a jam. So I sang.
Student came to class. I smile.
Friends came to visit. I smile.
Boss talks to me. I smile.
Student's mom greets. I smile.
Feeling like shit. I smile.

Yup. Congratulation Alwyn. Well done. Now let's continue this good job for the rest of your life.

So I went home, and then some friends (Kenny and Shen) picked me up from my house for dinner. First we went to Time Square and don't see anything that is worth eating.

Then we went to KFC. And after looking for the menu we decided to go McDonald's. For some private reason Shen decided to choose Greenlane's instead of Sunrise's. Ordered a family dinner box and hang out until it was about 9+.

And then we drove around singing in the car. Amazing what breakups can do to people.

Then we went to Coffee Island for a drink and talk. (And some pokemon quizes)
And Kenny drove us to nowhere, and we decided to stay together in an apartment sometime next year. And discussed about the rules and what to buy, who is cooking and what to do in the weekends. This went on for a while.

And then we went to Free School Road to see Kenny eat some dessert. Then we went home.

And then it starts. Suddenly, there's no one there to listen to my rantings about my backached or how spicy the Spicy Chicken McDeluxe is. Or how hungry I am now. And about the plans of moving in together with my friends and the place we wanted to rent. Yup, for the first time in a while now, I have no one to talk to.

Loneliness is a bitch.

And so.

My mission for Day 2:
Fake a smile - A real man doesn't display sadness even if it hurts.
Live alone - A real man will never have the need for companionship.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Finding Myself - Day 0

I fked up.
Today is suppose to be one of the happiest day of my life for finishing 3 months contract with Hard Rock Cafe. But because of my curiosity and my weakness I screwed up my life.

I dream of today many many times 3 months ago. On the last day I would jump on the drum and take an epic picture of me posing with my drum sticks. Then hang out until 3am and go home dancing and singing in my car. And celebrate it with my love.

Instead, I just cleared up my stuffs. Said goodbye to my members and left. And I drove home with tears streaming down my cheeks. And give myself a hug and tell myself, "You've done well"

What supposedly is a perfect day is gone just by one mistake. And the crappy part is I deserve this shit. I deserve every pain that is inflicting my chest. I deserve every lost of breath whenever I breathe.

I was told to find myself.
I dunno what is that or how to achieve it. But I think I'm suppose to upgrade myself.

My mission for Day 1:
Fake a smile - A real man doesn't display sadness even if it hurts.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

When It Rains

Monday, September 19, 2011

Dear God