Thursday, February 24, 2011

Essay: Aku Sebatang Pencil

Aku sebatang pencil yang bernama Staedtler. Ini gambarku yang hensem.

Aku bermodal 2B yang lebih hebat daripada yang HB. HB memang modal bodoh. Tak guna langsung. Ink HB memanglah lemah sekali. Macam ketut lemah.

Anyways, aku dilahirkan di kilang misteri. Selepas aku dilahirkan, aku sebenarnya botak. Kemudian kejadian ini terjadi:
Dan kepalaku berambut satu.

Kemudian, saya dan kawan-kawan atau adik beradik saya diletakkan ke dalam kotak then dihantar ke kedai jualan alat-alat tulis dan dipamerkan seperti monyet dalam circus. Teruk betui kami dipicit, dipergunakan tetapi tiada yang ingin membeli kita. Terasa pulak seperti diperkosakan.

Huhuhu, cakap kelakar aje. Why so serious?

Selama setahun saya berada di kedai itu, dan pada masa itu, saya telah mendapat ramai kawan yang unik dan yang berbeza personaliti.

Ada pembaris yang bersikap lurus. Ada pemadam yang suka pemadam emosinya. Dan kebanyakkan adalah pen yang beraneka warna.

Dalam masa setahun ini, saya telah terjatuh cinta kepada sebatang pen yang cantik. Ini gambar cinta saya.
Oh cantik betui!

Jantungku berdebar-debar setiap kali ku memandang Papermate. Tetapi aku sebatang pencil yang permalu. Jadi tidak pernahku meluahkan isi hatiku kepada cintaku.

"Kau ini penakut", kata pembaris.
"Kau ini tak guna, makan tahi la", kata pembaris.
"...", kata pemadam. Tak dapat baca kerana dipadam olehnya.
"Aku takut kena reject pulak", kata saya.
"Tak cuba mana boleh tahu?", kata pembaris.
".............", kata pamadam.
"Oh", kataku.
"Ok lah. Aku akan confess dan kahwini Papermate esok", kataku lagi dengan bersemangat.
"...?", kata pemadam.
"?", kata saya.
"Kenapa kena tunggu sampai esok? Kamu ini tak ada bola",kata pembaris.
"Saya kena fikirkan kata-kata yang hebat dan seksi untuk mengikat hatinya! Tau tak?", kataku.

Jadi saya pun berfikir selama 8 jam 21 minit. Kerana pencil tak boleh tidur pun. Heh heh. Kelakar betul.

Walaubagaimanapun, saya telah bersedia untuk meluahkan hati Papermate dengan kata kata ini.

"Wahai Papermate merah yang cantik. Kamu telah memikat hati ku walaupun saya tiada hati. Tetapi telah ada hati setelah nampak kamu. Itulah kehebatan cinta ku pada mu. Hebat sehingga tiada hati pun boleh ada hati. Gila betul"

Hebatkan? Ok, aku sudah bersedia.

Hari pagi pun tiba. Dengan harapan yang baru. Aku rasa pada akhir hari ini, aku akan menjadi pencil yang paling gembira di selurah dunia ini! Yeah!

Semasa aku hendak pergi jumpai Papermate, seorang manusia telah mengambilnya dan meletaknya di atas cashier counter.

Aku melihat dengan mata yang penuh dengan air mata, cinta pertama dan terakhirku yang di bawa keluar dalam plastic bag.

Friday, February 18, 2011

1. Experiences of Arley Macbeth

In the year 2005, I took my skills in toilet bowl making, and proceeded to Delhi to go through the course prescribed for possessional ToiletMAN (Toilet Mending And Networking). Having completed my studies there, I was duly attached to a certain Hotel as Assistant ToiletMAN. The hotel was located in India at the time, and I, being young with a passion for hard work and toilet bowls, work myself up to Head of The International ToiletMAN. Meaning, I could retired in the year 2010 and receive quite a sum of money into my bank account monthly.

In the year 2011, I went back to my hometown in Penang with neither kith nor kin, and was therefore as free as air -- or as free as an income of RM100 a day will permit a man to be. There, I stayed for some time at a private hotel in the Batu Ferigghi, leading a comfortless, meaningless existence, and spending such money as I had, considerably more freely than I ought. So alarming did the state of my finances become, that I soon realized that I must make a complete alteration in my style of living. I began by making up my mind to leave the hotel, and to take up my quarters in some less pretentious and less expensive domicile.

On the very day that I had come to this conclusion, I was standing at the Penang Road, when some one tapped me on the shoulder, and turning round I recognized young Bobi, who had been a junior in ToiletMAN club. The sight of a friendly face in the great wilderness of Penang is a pleasant thing indeed to a lonely man. In old days Bobi had never been a particular crony of mine, but now I hailed him with enthusiasm, and he, in his turn, appeared to be delighted to see me. In the exuberance of my joy, I asked him to lunch with me at the KFC, and we started off together in a hansom.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Debate Mondays: One Vs Many


I, your host will introduce to you all the 2 debaters that will participate in this controversial topic. And here is him, the guy in front of the mirror who supports that "the first should be the last", Myself!!!

*Booooo from the audience(s)*

And there comes the other guy behind him, who supports "many first then only last la", Meeee!!!


I: Hullo, hullo welcome, Me and Myself. Please put your buttocks on that fancy hand.

I: Yes, now that Me and Myself and I feels quite at home, I would like to start the debate now. TELL ME, MYSELF! WHY?

Myself (Supports) : Myself will definitely tell Me why. I think it's good for a person to have only one girl/boyfriend because then, there will be no exes from the past that will haunt them. You know? Like, when they go out and do things like they do with their previous relationships, they won't have fancy flashbacks from the past, gnome sayin?

Me (Disagrees) : *fake coughs* buuhh shyeet~

I: No fake coughing in debates. Swearing is wokay.

Me (D): Wokay, anyway Me thinks Myself is talking illogically. If you are out with your current partner and doing coupley stuffs and still think of your past relationship's partners, then there's a problem with you! Am I not, not right, right?

Crowd(s) starts cheering! (Figure 1.2)
Figure 1.2

Myself (S): Definitely a disagreeable statement. Even if you don't have feelings, the thoughts will sometimes come in by itself am I correct?

Me (D): Wokay so? Let the thoughts appear la! As if it's gonna affect your relationship with your current partner.

Myself (S): Wokay nevermind. Let you win this one. But then there's some people who went into many relationships and it all ended badly until s/he is afraid to fall in love anymore and ended up being a monk! See! Bad right!

Me (D): Then that person must be a weak balls. And don't give me bullcrap about people afraid to be in love anymore. Nobody is afraid to be in love. If they say such stuffs, its either to get more attention or they're just weak in the balls.. or watches too much love comedies (especially hollywood ones) . I can tell you now, son of a fish, that no matter how many times a human heart is broken, it will never fail to love again.

I: *sniff* So romantic la Me.

Me (D): And some more, if you marry someone without going thru heartbreak before, then you lost a lot of bed time stories for your children adi. Right or not? And what if your son and daughter went thru heartbreak and you don't understand what their going thru cause you think your so great that you marry your first boyfriend blah blah blah NAHHH! Your children will leave your ass and find a certain handsome guy who interviews himself because he understands what they are going thru. And he is a senstive and a warm man too!!! Just not that tall.


Me (D): If your son marries his boyfriend, then too bad la. Heh heh.

I: L O L man. L O L.

Myself (S): You totally understand what I'm trying to say. Don't mocketh me.

Me (D): Then lucky you and your fancy kids la! But you think la, with the way kids are having partners in the age of 6 and 7. You think they can stuck to one for so long?

Myself (S): I think..

I: Don't drag me into this.

Me (D): You think whatever you want la. I'm telling you, if you wanna have good topics to discuss with your rebellious daughter or your horny son is to have fancy stories of break ups. And the break up story of your brother will never be as captivating and does not promote parent children bondings.

Myself (S): This damn debate is one sided -"-.. Don't even know why debate it at the first place.

Me (D): Don't get me wrong. I don't mean go mess around and have a lot of girl friends. Stay with one. If its meant to be then its meant to be. If you love your girlfriend and you treat her right and she treats you right, then marry her even if she is your first and last. If you kinda suck as a boyfriend and get dump alot (or you are just made out of 100% pure crap-luck), sure you will end up in more (broken) relationships. And more doesn't mean better. So to be honest, its not debatable.

I: Yes, so who started this crap?! Pisses me off! Beat Myself up!!!!

Myself: What!!?

Happy Chinese New Year 2011