Fifteen Things You'd Never Know If It Weren't For the Movies
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1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price
range of most people - whether they are employed or not.
2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will
always choose the right one.
4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications
system of any invading alien society, and run an applications system that
everyone is very familiar with.
5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving
martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one,
by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their
predecessors.
6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will
still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
7. Radiation causes interesting mutations--not to your future children, but to
you - right then and there - or, over a period of time until you finally go
crazy and kill people.
8. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on
nuclear fission, or anything else, at the age of 22.
9. Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days
before their retirement.
10. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch
enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly
gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, all of which will allow their
captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
11. During all police investigations, it is necessary to visit a strip club at
least once.
12. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit
level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
13. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread and
one bunch of carrots complete with leafy tops.
14. It's easy to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower
to talk you down.
15. Once applied, makeup never rubs off - even while scuba diving or after
fighting alien monsters. But only if you are beautiful. If you are
overweight, your mascara will run and your lipstick will smear.
Fifteen More Things You'd Never Know If It Weren't For the Movies
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1. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one
will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other
part of the building you want without difficulty.
2. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the
mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
3. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not
necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
4. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will
wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
5. If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in
their most diaphanous underwear, which is just what they happened to be
carrying with them at the time the car broke down.
6. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it
before long.
7. If someone says, "I'll be right back", they won't.
8. Computer monitors never display a cursor on screen but always say: Enter
Password Now.
9. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone
conversations. And none of your friends have to knock when they come for a
visit.
10. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn
the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
11. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts
so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
12. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
13. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone around you will
automatically be able to mirror all the steps you come up with and hear the
music in your head.
14. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they
are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
15. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
New Proverbs
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A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs and gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder. Here are the results.
- Better to be safe than... punch a 5th grader.
- Strike while the... bug is close.
- It's always darkest before... Daylight Savings Time.
- Never underestimate the power of... termites.
- You can lead a horse to water but... how?
- Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty.
- No news is... impossible.
- A miss is as good as a... Mr.
- You can't teach an old dog new... math.
- If you lie down with dogs, you'll... stink in the morning.
- Love all, trust... me.
- The pen is mightier than the... pigs.
- An idle mind is... the best way to relax.
- Where there's smoke there's... pollution.
- Happy the bride who... gets all the presents.
- A penny saved is... not much.
- Two's company, three's... the Musketeers.
- Don't put off till tomorrow what... you put on to go to bed.
- Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and... you have to blow your nose.
- None are so blind as... Stevie Wonder.
- Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded.
- If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries.
- You get out of something what you... see pictured on the box.
- When the blind lead the blind... get out of the way.
AND perhaps the best of all...
- Better late than... pregnant
Search Party
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The man approached a very beautiful woman in a very large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?" she asks.
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."
Top Eleven Reasons Why It's Great To Be A Dog
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1. If it itches, you can reach it. And no matter where it itches, no one will be offended if you scratch it in public.
2. No one notices if you have hair growing in weird places as you get older.
3. Personal hygiene is a blast: No one expects you to take a bath every day, and you don't even have to comb your own hair.
4. Having a wet nose is considered a sign of good health.
5. No one thinks less of you for passing gas. Some people might actually think you're cute.
6. Who needs a big home entertainment system? A bone or an old shoe can entertain you for hours.
7. You can spend hours just smelling stuff.
8. No one ever expects you to pay for lunch or dinner.
9. You never have to worry about table manners, and if you gain weight, it's someone else's fault.
10.It doesn't take much to make you happy. You're always excited to see the same old people. All they have to do is leave the room for five minutes and come back.
11. Every garbage can looks like a cold buffet to you.
The ultimate Machine
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There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his factory.Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer. They approached the heart of the factory,where the father thought "This should impress him!"
He showed his son the machine and said "Son, this is the heart of the factory. This machine here we can put in a pig, and out come sausages.
The prudish son, unimpressed, said "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?"
The father, furious, thought and said, "Yes son, we call it your mother
As it rolls downhill...
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Memo from Director General to Manager:
Today at 11 o'clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the parking lot.
Staff should meet in the lot at ten to eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse, and giving some background information. Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost.
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Memo from Manager to Department Head:
Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will appear for two minutes. For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles.
The Director General will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some background information. This is not something that can be seen every day.
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Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager:
The Director General will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the form of an eclipse. This is something that can not be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven. This will be safe, if you pay a moderate cost.
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Memo From Floor Manager to Supervisor:
Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the Director General will eclipse the sun for two minutes. This doesn't happen every day. It will be safe, but it will cost you.
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Memo from Supervisor to staff:
Some staff will go to the car park today to see the Director general disappear. It is a pity this doesn't happen every day.
Package Deal
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On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"
I Can Not Tell A Lie
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A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock. They got dressed quickly. Then the man asked his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked thinking him pretty weird.
The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door.Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I can not tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."
The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes and yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. YOU DAMN LIAR!You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"
IT'S GOOD TO BE A MAN
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Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's butt if someone doesn't notice your new
haircut.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just
too icky looking.
Same work... more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood, ALL the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Your underwear is $6.95 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming.
You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever
thinking "He's mad at me."
You don't mooch off other's desserts.
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife or your teeth.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December
24th, in 45 minutes.
Can you help ?
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Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this was included with the product information. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5 and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the Uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0.
Please help! Thanks,
Signed,
A Troubled User
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User,
This is a very common problem that men complain about. It is due to a primary misconception among men. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that it is merely an Utilities and Entertainment program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its creator to run everything! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and return to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating system files cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.
It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this.Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than in the original system. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under "Warnings: Maintenance/Child Support".
I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application program Yes_Dear to alleviate software augmentation. Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I also suggest that you read the entire section regarding "General Partnership Faults (GPFs)".
You must assume all responsibility for any faults and problems that occur, regardless of their cause. You will also find that GPFs tend to be somewhat cyclical, occurring approximately 28 days apart. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. Avoid excessive use of C:\YES_DEAR because ultimately you will have to use the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Remember, the system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but tends to require very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs such as Clean_and_Sweep 3.0, Cook_It 1.5 (which replaces Burn_It 1.0) and Do_Bills 4.2. You must however be very careful how you use these programs.
Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag_Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 should this happen. WARNING!! "DO NOT" under any circumstances, install Secretary_With_Short_Skirt. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck.
Tech Support
Less Patient
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Little Hymie arrived home from school with two black eyes .
" Fighting again," said his mother . " Haven't I told you when you are angry to count to a hundred before you do anything?"
" Yes , I know ," replied Hymie ," but the other boy's mother told him only to count to fifty ."
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